A Little Public Soul-Searching.
I'm disappointing everyone. I feel like such a big, fat letdown.
My life is changing and going in all these different directions. My acting is starting to take off, wherever it goes... I don't know if I'm good enough to make it go someplace. It hurts when I voice the dream, barely above a whisper, that maybe I want to go to L.A.... and feel that chill settle over the conversation. The panic of oh no what do i say to her to make her think she's good, how can i placate her. The pain of knowing that a friend doesn't think I'd have a chance in Hell.
I can't write anymore. I keep trying but there's a huge blockage there, a huge wall, and nothing's coming out. I get a paragraph down-- about something, anything-- and my pen just stops. My hand is lazy, and even my paper journal entries are light as air.
I stay up until the sky turns gray, drinking gigantic mug after gigantic mug of tea and feeling my heart disintegrate. It's not breaking; it's just disappearing. I don't know where it's gone, but I wish it would come back.
And it's strange, because I feel beautiful on the outside. I feel wonderful about how I look, how I walk, how I curl up in a chair, how I fit into my jeans. I feel connected with my body. It's my soul that's vanishing. I don't know how to talk about it.
I have no idea what I'm doing right now. I feel very alone, and somehow that seems okay? It's not, and I'm lonely, but I'm trying to figure out my life. I spend a lot of time alone. If I'm not at rehearsal, I'm generally alone. I miss my friends, but I have to be alone right now. There's someone I want, but I don't know who it is. He hasn't stepped it up, raised his hand. I don't even know if he exists right now.
I like to have gatherings of a bunch of friends, two or three or ten at a time, but I'm afraid to be alone with people. Afraid of conversations that I want to have, but have no idea how to articulate... and that will be turned into nothing but dust and dismissed so easily.
I'm falling into this self-preservation, this harsh protecting of my self, whatever makes me who I am. Jealously guarding it, being selfish. There's only so long I can go, feeling as if every time my problems come up in a conversation, it gets turned to how much I'm hurting others, how I'm selfish and inadequate somehow, I'm not being good enough, I'm not keeping up my duties to everyone. And I just close down further and further until I'm hardly functioning anymore.
I am tired of people taking out or figuring out their issues on and through my pain. It hurts.
Everything's changing and I can feel it. Something bigger than me is in the air, and it's making me pull inward, gather up, ready myself.
I am so sorry if this hurts you.
Thanks for letting me talk.
My life is changing and going in all these different directions. My acting is starting to take off, wherever it goes... I don't know if I'm good enough to make it go someplace. It hurts when I voice the dream, barely above a whisper, that maybe I want to go to L.A.... and feel that chill settle over the conversation. The panic of oh no what do i say to her to make her think she's good, how can i placate her. The pain of knowing that a friend doesn't think I'd have a chance in Hell.
I can't write anymore. I keep trying but there's a huge blockage there, a huge wall, and nothing's coming out. I get a paragraph down-- about something, anything-- and my pen just stops. My hand is lazy, and even my paper journal entries are light as air.
I stay up until the sky turns gray, drinking gigantic mug after gigantic mug of tea and feeling my heart disintegrate. It's not breaking; it's just disappearing. I don't know where it's gone, but I wish it would come back.
And it's strange, because I feel beautiful on the outside. I feel wonderful about how I look, how I walk, how I curl up in a chair, how I fit into my jeans. I feel connected with my body. It's my soul that's vanishing. I don't know how to talk about it.
I have no idea what I'm doing right now. I feel very alone, and somehow that seems okay? It's not, and I'm lonely, but I'm trying to figure out my life. I spend a lot of time alone. If I'm not at rehearsal, I'm generally alone. I miss my friends, but I have to be alone right now. There's someone I want, but I don't know who it is. He hasn't stepped it up, raised his hand. I don't even know if he exists right now.
I like to have gatherings of a bunch of friends, two or three or ten at a time, but I'm afraid to be alone with people. Afraid of conversations that I want to have, but have no idea how to articulate... and that will be turned into nothing but dust and dismissed so easily.
I'm falling into this self-preservation, this harsh protecting of my self, whatever makes me who I am. Jealously guarding it, being selfish. There's only so long I can go, feeling as if every time my problems come up in a conversation, it gets turned to how much I'm hurting others, how I'm selfish and inadequate somehow, I'm not being good enough, I'm not keeping up my duties to everyone. And I just close down further and further until I'm hardly functioning anymore.
I am tired of people taking out or figuring out their issues on and through my pain. It hurts.
Everything's changing and I can feel it. Something bigger than me is in the air, and it's making me pull inward, gather up, ready myself.
I am so sorry if this hurts you.
Thanks for letting me talk.
3 Comments:
Thank you for your public soul searching. It looks like it feels both good and bad. Your soul will come back, I promise. Later you will know how.
Talk to Brian about LA. Or Christian. They've both been there and can give you all kinds of practical advice for SoCal survival. My input is simply DO IT! Follow your dreams & do all that you can do to make them come true. Don't listen to the outside voices ... listen to your own! Follow your heart.
You might also consider Seattle, if you want to stick with stage work, anyway. They've got a good theatre scene there. Or Chicago. Or NYC. You're young & talented & beautiful ... GO FOR IT!
Well having seen you on stage before and planning to again, I would say you hve the talent to perform anywhere you want. I always pictured you as more the writer though, bring life to the words of your beautiful soul.
Post a Comment
<< Home